Nobody expects laypeople to know exactly what to do when there’s something medically wrong with them. However, it’s beneficial for patients to notice patterns and communicate them effectively to their medical team. I know that lying to doctors is incredibly tempting, especially when you’ve been doing many unhealthy things. Being honest with your doctor can be humiliating, but it’s far less humiliating than being found out that you’re lying. 

If you want to stay off the ‘Stupidest Patients Ever’ list, I have one suggestion. Don’t stick a household object up your butt. There have been countless news stories about people ending up in the emergency room because they stuck something in their butt that didn’t belong there. I promise, there are products you can get if you want to stick something up your butt that won’t land you on this list of comically stupid medical patients, and I suggest you invest in such products.