There’s nothing like a little post-grad American Dream-land in LA, shack up with your generous, high-earning sister and brother-in-law, and discover your new «home» is less homey Airbnb and more Big Brother’s home. 

Sure, someone letting you live with them deserves gratitude, but apparently, in this house, you have to stay grateful while living under the loving gaze of enough surveillance to make the NSA jealous. Smile and wave, dude. Smile and wave.

Need a glass of water? Camera. Craving a midnight snack? Camera. Breathing wrong in the direction of the kitchen? That’s another app alert. Smile, Wave! You’re on Candid Family.

On paper, it’s a sweet deal: free rent, room of your own, and only a few million pixels worth of eyes monitoring your every move. Just don’t expect to bring a date home without triggering full lockdown and full meltdown. Cover a camera to make someone comfortable in the kitchen? Get a text, full name and all, about how you’ve insulted the sacred shrine of Ring doorbells and motion sensors. The message is clear and the underlying message is clearer: Privacy is for people who sign the mortgage. Guests, even when they’re family, must enjoy their public existence with a side of digital scrutiny.