Family members are the only people who can completely vanish from your life, reappear years later, and still expect you to foot the bill, all while insisting you’re the one with commitment issues. There’s an entire greeting card industry for the heartwarming military homecoming, but try fitting «everyone moved, disconnected their phones, and changed addresses without telling me» onto a Hallmark. Our guy was growing up as the middle child, and the unofficial conflict mediator, and that apparently earns you the grand prize of being forgotten the moment you no longer resolve their disputes, even if you’re out risking life and limb in a desert while everyone else argues over the remote.

Reconnecting with estranged kin is a bit like recycling plastic straws—you want to believe it makes a difference, but most of the time, you’re just left with a soggy feeling and the bitter taste of cardboard. This man was ignored in childhood, abandoned in adulthood, and rediscovered only when the family piggy bank runs dry. And when this family does reach out, it’s less «we missed you» and more «can you Venmo some cash, by the way.» Just sprinkle in a little passive-aggressive guilt from a sibling and voilà, instant family reunion.