In my humble opinion, the best burger in the world is some variation of George Motz’s Oklahoma fried onion smash burger. It’s pretty simple. Oil and heat your skillet. Place a ball of 80/20 ground beef in skillet and season with salt. Add a handful of finely sliced white onions on top of your ball. Smash the onions and beef into a thin patty and then leave it alone. Wait until the frilly edges go brown. Flip the patty. Lay slice of bullshit cheese on top (you know, those pre-wrapped American cheese squares that basically taste like slices of milk). Cover for just 30 seconds while a buttered Martin’s Potato Roll (or squishy equivalent) lightly browns in a separate pan. If you’re feeling crazy, add some finely sliced pickles or maybe a sliced pickled hot pepper. Otherwise, that’s it.

Now that I’ve got you all hungry and craving meat, here’s an enraging list of things that can instantly ruin a perfectly good burger.