A 6-year-old dad has the perfect Saturday plans, including sliced oranges, fruit punch Caprisun, and a soccer mom’s demise. 

Being a soccer parent is a thankless job. With practice twice a week after school, soccer nets strewn in the yard, and all-day tournaments on the weekend, being a parent of a soccer player requires a full-time commitment. Often packing their SUVs to the gills with folding chairs, coolers, orange slices, ham sandwiches, red Gatorades, and as many pop-up tents as possible, soccer parents are simultaneously the busiest parents and the most prepared. 

Alas, not every parent shows up to the game with color-coordinated fleece blankets and a mini home setup on the sidelines for their comfort, and the parental jealousy can turn parents sour. A soccer mom is typically the kind of person you never want to mess with, especially at their child’s soccer game, but as we’ve come to realize, it’s actually the dads on the sideline who pose an equal threat, especially if the coach’s entitled wife is trying to steal their tailgate setup. 

This tent, these chairs, and this cooler full of oranges were not prepared for you, Missy; it’s for the left defender out there running around chasing butterflies instead of the soccer ball.