There was a time when tech was cool. Not useful cool. Not «this app can remind you to drink water and quietly sell your behavior to seventeen companies» cool. Actually cool.

You would open a magazine and see an ad for a new game console, a chunky camera or a translucent computer shaped like a jellybean, and it looked like someone had been allowed to have fun at work. The colors were loud. The buttons were unnecessary but inviting. Everything promised that the future would be weird in a good way.

And the people making it seemed cool too. They made gadgets you wanted to touch, not products that demanded you accept forty pages of terms and conditions before you could turn on a light bulb. Tech companies had personalities. Now they have mission statements written by a committee of people who call layoffs «right-sizing.»

Every new phone announcement is basically the same magic trick now. It is 0.0000017 megapixels better. It is 0.00073 thinner. The camera can now detect the exact moment your soul leaves your body while looking at the price. Incredible. Revolutionary. Please clap.