Some mothers send fruit baskets. Others send unsolicited advice, passive-aggressive birthday cards, or perhaps a friendly reminder that you «never call anymore.» And then there are the select few who take time out of their busy schedules to hire a private investigator to track you down like a missing heir to a family treasure, which, incidentally, is not you.

At 32, our elusive daughter has achieved a true millennial milestone: changing her name, moving cities, and scrubbing her digital history cleaner than a politician’s search engine. Not to avoid debt, not to escape fame, but to finally enjoy a little luxury called freedom from manipulation. 

Because Mom treats «no contact» like a challenge and views boundaries as a fun little dare. Her latest hobby? Stalking her own offspring, with the help of a PI apparently immune to the ethical concept of maybe don’t help the stalker.

Naturally, nothing says maternal love like paying a stranger to dig for your child’s whereabouts, bonus irony points for tracking down the daughter you always insisted you knew more about than she does about herself, only to discover she’s thriving and engaged to a person you never met.