It’s not easy to get to the point where your romance ends with a courtroom drama and an international manhunt instead of a happily-ever-after. In this (pretty crazy) story of Alyssa’s online affairs and financial entanglements, loyalty came with an asterisk, and shared bank accounts became the first stop in her great escape plan.

Trust was treated like an all-you-can-eat buffet for the opportunists, and sentimental gestures, like adding a partner to a car title, transformed overnight into the ultimate punchline. 

In her reality, the blueprint for heartbreak involves fewer candlelit dinners and more forensic accounting, as love gets traded for wire transfers and betrayal is measured out in Venmo transactions.

This is the territory of the relationship hustler, a breed that can turn brunch conversations into low-level con artistry and see every joint account as a potential getaway fund. Today’s love stories are set against a background of passwords, cloud backups, and legal consultations. When the going gets tough, some partners pack a bag, empty a bank account, and vanish into the sunset with someone they met in a direct message thread. 

Alyssa’s break-up kit includes a suitcase, a new boyfriend, and a list of pawnshops on speed dial. For those unlucky enough to be cast in this off-brand heist movie, the only romance left is with your legal team and the sweet promise of recouped damages.