Has your loved one asked you to be their hot dog for Independence Day yet?

Let’s be honest with each other, the 4th of July is a day to celebrate hot dogs and burgers. On this magical day, you are able to consume more hot dogs than you ever thought possible. It’s like a wormhole appears in your stomach, and the colonizer ancestors give you the power to devour! It’s great. 

I’m about to admit something that will gast many people’s flabbers… I only recently started liking hot dogs. Ah! I know, it’s crazy, what has been wrong with me for the past 30 years? I guess I was just scarred by some late-night charred gas station glizzy that was made out of who-knows-what. Or maybe it was that one time I was waiting for the bus and grabbed a quick hot dog from the stand off the 7 train in NYC and immediately after finishing the dog, the police came to shut down the cart due to mold and unsanitary conditions… Who knows? But recently, in Nashville of all places, my mind was blown by a dive bar glizzy. I wondered, «Where have you been all my life?» I have never stopped thinking about that hot dog… It was so friggin good. The perfect ratio of sauce and pickled toppings to meat and bun, 100% beef, and served with a cheap beer. WOW! Don’t ever let someone try to convince you that America doesn’t have culture, because THAT was culture. 

Since then, I have been to the ballgames and enjoyed a cheap dog with no regrets, and have been able to partake in the group bonding ritual at grilling parties of downing glizzies. I feel free! And that is what we are celebrating this 4th of July. The freedom that enjoying a simple hot dog brings! *Cue red hawk caw*