Happy Valentine’s Day, Midwesterners. Today, I’m sending a Valentine to all the things in my life that really matter. 

To Cheddar Cheese: Thank you for being the key to any good side dish (mac and cheese, baked potato, tater tot casserole). To Miller High Life: Thank you for being the cheapest beer on the menu but also the most drinkable. I’ve owed many wonderful nights to you, the champagne of beers that you are. To Dads Who Shovel Snow: Thank you for your tireless efforts. I know you get more out of it than I do, as your inherent sense of responsibility is strong, but know that I see you. To Chicago Hot Dogs: Thank you for letting me eat hot dogs while also feeling mildly healthy, given how green and vegetal your toppings are. To Midwestern Weather: Thank you for being as unpredictable as you are horrible. You keep me on your toes, you crazy guy.