Is it unreasonable to skip a family vacation when tensions haven’t fully healed?

A couple is considering saying no to a week-long vacation with the in-laws after a recent family fight that involved the husband’s brother’s girlfriend. The immediate drama is over, but the relationship is still strained, and they wonder if seven days together is a great idea.

I think we can understand why this may be an awkward position to be in. Family get-togethers are one of those things where everyone can be nice to each other just for a couple of hours, but a vacation is a whole new commitment. If sharing food and a few laughs for a couple of hours is not ideal, on a holiday, there is not much room to step away if things do go as planned.

The one thing that is striking to me is that the couple doesn’t seem to be interested in punishing anyone, or even making this conflict last longer. They are very down-to-earth and know that it takes time to get a relationship back to where it was. When it comes to family issues, resolving problems takes a bit more time and patience, and certainly sharing a breakfast table for days in a row isn’t going to help.

Also, I don’t know if you can spot the difference between obligation and reconciliation. The second one happens when people just want to solve the problem and move on with their lives. Obligation, on the other hand, appears when other people think you should move on. And that, my friends, is never going to be of any help when it comes to making amends with a relative.

In my opinion, and mainly in family matters, knowing your limits is going to be your best friend. If saying no to a vacation is what you need, then go ahead. I don’t think that means you’re cutting someone out of your life. Most of the time, it’s just saying you need more time and space to heal.