As a kid, I was pretty obsessed with turtles. I begged my parents to let me have one as a pet, dragging them to where the hard-shelled creatures sat in the pet store. It was no use  – my mother refused. «They smell terrible,» she said, «and I know you’re not going to be cleaning that tank.» I wailed. «Plus, they live forever. We don’t want to get stuck with it when you go to college or if you change your mind.» The words stung, but later, I’d know that she was right. Instead of housing a turtle in my home, I had to enjoy them on special occasions. At «Robert Is Here» in Homestead, Florida, I marveled at the tortoises who were clearly nymphomaniacs. Just sitting there. Banging all day. Amazing. While I was deprived of owning a turtle, the fascination still hasn’t left me. Just this winter I snorkeled with some friendly sea turtles in the Caribbean – an experience I doubt I’ll ever be able to replicate (you know my in-laws paid for that sh*t) or forget. Since I can’t indulge in turtle hangs on a regular basis (or, like, ever), I am left to my own devices. Which naturally means trawling the internet for turtle and tortoise-related content. And boy, does the internet deliver.